October 8, 2018

6 Ways to use Connection to Make Discipline Much Easier

Children and young people have brains which are not yet fully developed. The part of a child’s brain responsible for reasoning and logic, the same part which should calm them whenever they are faced with challenging feelings (the prefrontal cortex) will only be fully developed in their 20’s. As a result children have emotional melt downs, tantrums and sometimes behave in ways which seem like all reason has left them, because it has. Many parents find discipline to be the most difficult part of parenting. But there is good news.

What we do know, thanks to science is that, children thrive when they feel connected and understood and as a result we are able to parent more effectively. Children are far more easily influenced by the people they feel connected to and this makes instructing a child an easier task. Yes you may be able to force a child to cooperate through fear, but you can only do this for as long as you can physically control them or as long as you can manipulate them. What we want from our children is for them to ultimately understand and be willing to do the right thing without external influence. Connection helps accomplish this.

Children who feel profoundly connected to their parents develop a sense of safety. Connecting with their parents also helps their prefrontal cortex to develop in a way which supports the regulation of their impulses and emotions. It helps them to be happier, more engaged, productive, motivated and to develop positive relationships. The brain develops better, and they can follow parental instructions more readily.

Below are 6 ways to connect with your child that will help with discipline

Acknowledge their feelings and show empathy always.

Every one of your child’s feelings is valid and should be acknowledge with kindness and empathy. All of a child’s feelings are important. Acknowledge them by naming the emotion your child presents and help your child to speak about it by describing what you’ve heard and seen from them.

If your child is having a tantrum, instead of trying to reason with him, try to connect with him on an emotional level by empathising e.g. If you are faced with the popular supermarket meltdown regarding a desperately ‘needed’ toy. Instead of responding with an angry or frustrated tone respond with gentleness by saying something like “I know that you really want this car. I can see why you like it. It has lovely colours and it looks like it might be a very fast car doesn’t it? I can see you are really upset that you can’t get it today.” You may also

want to go on to suggest that you take a photo of it with your phone so you both remember it or write it down on a special ‘wish list’ This response is far less inflammatory and will almost guarantee to calm your child down at least to some degree. Remember to get down to his eye level and use gentle physical affection. Once your child is calm you can reason with him later.

N.B You have not given in to the demand for what he wanted but you’ve showed him that you care about his feelings. He is very likely to forget all about it within a few days. If he hasn’t then you have opportunity to reason with him when he is in a calm space and better able to receive what you are saying to him.

Give time

Spend at least 10 minutes of your day exclusively with your child. Put away all electronic devices and agree with your child the activity they would like to engage in. Every child has a need to feel wanted and special. Giving the gift of undisturbed time to your child will strengthen your connection with her.

Show an interest or positive attention in what your child is interested in

Stop what you are doing and make eye contact, smile. Listen attentively, engage with her when she speaks with you. Always respond with warmth and interest. This will help your child feel secure and valued. She needs to know that she is valued, capable and delightful. Your interest and reaction to what she finds interesting will help to do just that. Every time you show an interest you help build up her positive self-image, the bond you share and a feeling of security with you.

Use descriptive praise to let him know that you appreciate what he’s done.

Even the smallest things. That way you let him know that he is seen. It will not only improve your bond but will reinforce positive behaviours in him. Often, we criticise our kids but fail to praise them when they do good. Sometimes when we praise its superlatives like “well done” or “Good boy! “Children eventually tune out when all they hear is good boy, fantastic, well done. Our children naturally want to know how to please us. Descriptively praising what they’ve done well is the best way to show them how. With Descriptive Praise, you leave out the meaningless superlatives, and you notice and mention the little things and the big things your child is doing right or the things he is not doing wrong. e.g. (1) You did really well getting ready this morning. (2) I notice that you did what I asked immediately, and this made me very proud of you.

Play with your child

Turn commands into a game or competition. Mornings in most homes can quickly spiral into a mini war zone. It’s hard to get kids out of the house. A simple command to ‘put your shoes on’ can turn into a meltdown. Yes, kids need to learn to respond to instructions without coercion. But remember, your little human’s brain is still developing. What I’ve found helpful with my own spirited child is to turn the morning routine into a competition. For younger children the reward of just winning the single routine is enough. For older children making it a bigger winner at the end of the week can step the game up and create a far more amicable situation in your home.

Give physical affection

Give hugs, kisses, scoop them up in your arms, cuddle them. Touch is a very important aspect of parenting. Maintaining regular physical contact with your child helps create and maintain the emotional connection you share with them. If the attachment you share with your child is kept strong, then challenging behaviours decrease and discipline becomes a less challenging experience.

Don’t wait for your child to come to you. Initiate physical contact. Tousle their hair or rub their head as you walk past them. Cuddle on the sofa to watch a show. Engage in physical play; this is especially useful for boys. Tune in to your child’s feelings about touch as some children like being touched far less than others. Even a child who likes physical affection may find it irritating on certain occasions. Avoid forcing physical affection onto a child.

Connection brings the pleasure back into the parent child relationship. Every parenting act should be an opportunity to connect with your child. It will improve your ability to communicate, to discipline and will also strengthening your bond with your child.

6 Ways to use Connection to Make Discipline Much Easier